One Big Happy Family
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: After once again being put second to Batman, Harley Quinn uses the services of a fortune teller to give her a glimpse of her future if she stays with Mr. J. She discovers that all her daydreams come true...sort of. The future's never quite how you expect it to be.
1. Chapter 1

**One Big, Happy Family**

Harley Quinn had to put up with a helluva lotta crap in her life. She was madly in love with a man who didn't return her burning affection to quite the same degree, and who was frequently emotionally distant and bad-tempered, taking his rage out on her with both mental and physical abuse. She also had to deal with a man whose hobby was beating the crap out of her man, and herself if she wasn't lucky, and her man's peculiar obsession with him. They were fugitives from the law, so had to move from hideout to hideout, without a lot of creature comforts, and they were frequently broke, stealing whatever they wanted and needed to survive. They had to deal with incompetant henchmen, and often horrible failure, when Mr. J's schemes didn't go quite according to plan. It's not what any woman would exactly call an ideal life.

But it was worth it, all of that, on date night. Harley had these few rare evenings, only a precious few a year, where Mr. J would put aside his plans with the Bat, and put her first, treating her just like a normal guy would treat his gal, taking her out to dinner, or the theatre, or the movies. True, these nights more often than not ended in disaster, usually by Batman showing up to arrest them, or Mr. J doing something homicidal, like spraying acid at the waiter when he didn't bring the food fast enough, or getting bored during the play and shooting the actors to speed up the finale (that time they had seen _Cats_ had been a regular bloodbath.) But occasionally they ended just perfectly, with Harley in bed, lying in his arms, exhausted and indescribably happy, gazing at him in adoration and never regretting for an instant her decision to stay with him through thick and thin. Those were the nights really worth waiting for. It made them all the more special because they were so rare, and tonight, she hoped, would be one of those evenings.

It had started out well – the carnival was in town and Mr. J had decided to take her there. Usually when they went out, Harley tried to dress a little more normally and not in her usual costume, but Mr. J was pretty recognizable wherever they went or however he dressed. Harley was used to the looks of unease and terror from the people who passed them as they strolled through the stalls, hand in hand.

"Hey, look, Harley doll, a shooting range!" exclaimed Joker, pulling her over to one of the booths.

"Aw, Mr. J, doncha have enough gunplay in real life without playing with guns here?" asked Harley, frowning. She didn't want the night to be spoiled before it began, and Mr. J with a gun usually led to trouble.

"Relax, pooh, I'll be good. And anyway, can't a guy show off for his doll?" he murmured, kissing her.

Harley squeaked happily, beaming at him as he picked up the pistol and aimed at the targets. If she was honest with herself, she really was impressed and turned on by the way he seamlessly shot one after another, not even pausing to aim, just naturally skilled with a weapon. God, he sure was skilled with a weapon. Harley couldn't help fantasizing about him using his own weapon on her later that night…

"I think that's what they call a perfect 10 in gymnastics, ain't it, kiddo?" laughed Joker, turning to her and grinning.

"Oh, Mr. J! No one can use a gun like you can, puddin'!" sighed Harley adoringly, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him.

"You can have any of the prizes," said the attendant nervously. His nervousness relaxed only slightly when Joker put down the gun to study the prizes.

"Whatcha think, kid?"

"I want that one, Mr. J!" exclaimed Harley, pointing at the giant teddy bear.

"What my baby wants, my baby gets," he said, grinning at her. The attendant handed her the huge stuffed animal and Harley squealed in delight, hugging it tightly.

"Oh, Mr. J! I just love him! But not as much as I love you, my gorgeous, wonderful, precious puddin'!" she breathed, covering him with kisses.

Normally he would have shoved her off or pushed her away, but tonight he chuckled, patting her head fondly and kissing her in return. Harley already felt it was going to be a good night.

And it only got better. They went on the ferris wheel and looked out on the Gotham skyline, the sky twinkling above them, and the city twinkling below them. As they reached the top of the wheel, it stopped, and Harley turned to gaze at Joker, feeling butterflies of excitement in her stomach even after all this time. Without a word, he brought his lips down to hers and kissed her, the most wonderful, the most tender, the most magical kiss she could remember. It was the most perfect moment of her life.

And it was ruined by the sound of a clown horn. "Sorry, baby, that's my phone," he said, drawing away and reaching into his pocket. "Hello? Yeah, now's not really a good time, Roc. Uh huh. Uh huh. Well, you can always depend on him to be a Bat-wrench in the works. Massive Bat-tool all around, really. Uh huh. Look, I can't really handle it at the moment – I'm busy. With Harley. No, not like that! I wouldn't have answered the phone, would I?! Look, I'm on a ferris wheel, I'll call you back in a second."

He hung up the phone. "Sorry about that, sweets. Where were we?" he murmured.

Harley smiled, tilting her face up to his as he took her in his arms and kissed her again. Only to be interrupted by another clown horn.

Joker growled. "What?!" he snapped, answering it. "I said I'd call you back! Yeah? Yeah, well I don't really care right now! Busy, like I said! You understand what busy means, right?! I'm paying you to handle it, so handle it! Hello? Roc? Hello?"

He sighed in annoyance, replacing his phone in his pocket. "Sorry, kiddo, Daddy's gotta go. It's an emergency."

"Batman?" sighed Harley.

"Yeah. Trust him to ruin everything," growled Joker. "Can't let me have one night off. Guy's got a real unhealthy obsession - he's clingier than a girlfriend!"

He laughed. Harley didn't. The ferris wheel reached the ground and they got out. "Look, pumpkin, I'd hate for you to have your night ruined, so why don't you stay here and have some fun? When I'm done with Bats, I'll come back and join you," said Joker.

"But it won't be any fun without you, puddin'," murmured Harley. "And what if you don't come back?"

"I will, pooh bear, I promise," he murmured, kissing her. "Trust Daddy, hmm?"

She nodded sadly. "Now how about a nice big smile, sweets?" asked Joker.

Harley forced one. "That's my girl!" he exclaimed, kissing her. "See you later, cupcake!"

He rushed off, leaving Harley standing in the middle of the carnival holding a giant teddy bear and trying to hold back tears.

She sat down by one of the stalls and ripped the head off the teddy bear. Then she began pummeling it furiously, imagining it was Batman, until finally her sorrow overcame her rage and she burst into tears. She knew she shouldn't feel sorry for herself like this, but she didn't understand why Batman had to ruin everything, or why Mr. J always put him first. Tonight was _her _night – she didn't have many, and he shouldn't let the flying rodent ruin it. She was hurt and confused and angry at both of them.

"Why are you crying, my dear?" said a soft voice. Harley looked up to see an old woman standing in front of her, dressed in bright clothing and wearing a shawl around her head. "No, don't tell me, let me see," she said, holding up her hand and staring into Harley's eyes. "You have been hurt by the man you love. He has put someone else before you, and this is not an uncommon occurance. Well, I suppose when one loves an extraordinary man, one must endure extraordinary hardship, is that not so, Harley Quinn?"

Harley stared at her. People didn't usually recognize her without her costume on, especially when she wasn't with Mr. J. "How…do you know who I am?" she whispered. "And how do you know about…Mr. J?"

The woman smiled. "I am an adept in the ways of the mysterious and the supernatural," she murmured. "I know many things hidden from others. Past, present, and future."

"You're like a fortune teller?" asked Harley.

"I am employed as a fortune teller, though I daresay my skill is far less common than that name would suggest. But sadly one cannot live entirely in the spiritual world without reality intruding. One must pay the bills somehow, and one can't call on the spirits for help with that, so even the greatest of us must practice occasional charlatanism for the sake of a monetary reward. But my skill is genuine. Is there anything I can do to help you?"

"I'll say there is!" exclaimed Harley, jumping to her feet. "I mean, you can really see into the future?"

"Yes, I can catch glimpes of it. The future is never set in stone, of course, but I can tell you where the road you now travel on may eventually lead if you do not veer off onto other paths."

"So you can show me how my life will turn out if I stay with Mr. J? I mean, not that it'll change anything, I'll stay with him anyway. I love him, even when he acts like a big jerk, but it would be nice for me to know that it's all worthwhile. There's a difference between believing something and knowing something. Not a huge one, but it's there. It would be nice to see how things turn out for us."

The fortune teller smiled. "Come with me, then, my dear," she said, taking her hand.

They entered her tent nearby. It was dark and smelled of strange herbs, and Harley saw a glowing crystal ball set on a table between two chairs. The fortune teller gestured her into one and took the chair across from her.

"I hate to even bring this up and ruin the magic, but like I said before, mystic powers don't help you eat," said the fortune teller, holding out her hand.

"Oh…right," said Harley, fumbling in her purse for some money. "Is this like a payphone? Five bucks will get you ten minutes, that kinda thing?"

"We'll start with five dollars and see how it goes," replied the fortune teller. "You can always pay more later."

She handed Harley a goblet. "Drink this first. It will relax you, and prepare you for the visions the spirits are about to reveal to you."

Harley obeyed, drinking what tasted like bitter wine. The forture teller than took her hands and placed them on the crystal. "You must keep your eyes fixed on the crystal," she said. "If you break the connection, the vision will end. Are you ready?"

Harley nodded, feeling nervousness in the pit of her stomach. The fortune teller passed her hands over the crystal ball, and Harley stared into its depths. And she saw…herself.

"Oh Jesus, I've got fat!" she exclaimed. "Mr. J won't like…" But then the realization struck her. "Oh my God…I'm pregnant," she whispered.

"Don't speak – just watch," murmured the fortune teller. "The shadows will speak to you."

It was like watching a television show – the images and sounds were crystal clear, and the pictures were like a video. And this is what Harley saw.


	2. Chapter 2

"Sorry for the delay, guys, Harley's throwing up again," muttered Joker, entering the room.

"I'm sure she's grateful you're so sympathetic, J," retorted Poison Ivy. "I mean, you think after you knocked her up, the least you can do is hold her hair back when she's having morning sickness."

"You think I did it on purpose?" he demanded. "Do I look crazy? Why would I want a pregnant dame hanging around me? They're fat and moody and irritable, and your reward for putting up with that is having another moody and irritable little brat that you're stuck with for the next eighteen years at least. But accidents happen. At least, that's what Harley said. I have a sneaking suspicion she did this on purpose. She's always wanted kids, and she knew I'd never agree, so she tricked me into getting her pregnant. That's so like the little minx."

"How did she trick you into getting her pregnant?" asked Two-Face. "Did she dress up as Batman or something?"

"Bite me, Harv," snapped Joker. He sat down angrily. "And I have held her hair back, Pammie, but this has been going on for nine months now and the joke's got old. I'm sick of it."

"_You're _sick of it?" repeated Ivy. "Can you even begin to imagine how Harley's feeling? She's the one who's had to do all the work, carrying the baby around and the mood swings and the morning sickness…"

"Yeah, just think about how fun all that's been for me," retorted Joker. "I'm the one who has to deal with her when she gets all hormonal, and when she has the weird cravings, I'm the one who has to find what she's after. The other day she wanted skittle flavored vodka. So I told her she wasn't drinking with my kid inside her, which set her off. I mean, normally she's really good about stuff like that, but she goes crazy when she gets the cravings. And every time I ask her to do something, she's always got the same excuse: 'I'm pregnant.' Gets her outta everything – fighting the Bat, doing the housework, being beaten by me. And guess who has to do all the crap she can't do in her place? Me, that's who. It's been a barrel of laughs."

"You're such a selfish creep," muttered Ivy. "I feel bad for your kid. You'll probably mistreat it the same way you do Harley."

"Or, y'know, since it's got half of me in it, maybe it'll turn out halfway intelligent so I won't need to mistreat it," he retorted. "I hope it'll have Daddy's brains, anyhow."

"I certainly hope it doesn't have Daddy's looks," retorted Ivy.

"You think your skin condition's hereditary, J?" asked Two-Face. "You think your kid's gonna be pasty and clowny like you?"

"I don't imagine the acid mutated my genes, Harvey," replied Joker. "But you never know, I suppose. Not sure what was in that crap, except some circus paint and a whole lotta crazy!"

He laughed hysterically. "Puddin', I told you, I got a headache," snapped Harley, entering the room at that moment. She was wearing her customary outfit, but modified for her pregnancy, so a lot less tight-fitting than it usually was. "Keep it down, would ya?"

"Headache, vomiting, pregnant, there's always something wrong with you, ain't there?" muttered Joker.

"Only you would describe the precious miracle growing inside me as something wrong with me, you dumb jerk!" snapped Harley.

"Growing? I'd say it's grown," retorted Joker. "You're certainly the size of a house already, so just push it out, would ya, Harl? This is getting ridiculous."

"You think I still wanna be carrying all this weight around?" demanded Harley. "You think I don't want it outta me? Why does this kid have to be so fat? Neither of us is fat. What's wrong with him/her?"

"Don't you know the gender?" asked Ivy.

"Nah, Harley and I don't trust hospitals," retorted Joker. "We'll go there when she goes into labor, if she ever goes into labor, but until then we wanna stay well away from them. We don't want people at large to learn she is pregnant. Especially not a certain Bat person. He'd probably stick his pointy nose in where it don't belong and try to take the kid away from us, what with social services and all that crap. He probably don't think we're fit to be parents."

"I ain't gonna let him do that, Mr. J," growled Harley, rubbing her stomach gently. "Nobody is gonna take my baby away from me. Nobody."

She beamed suddenly. "Aw, Mr. J, it's kicking again!" she exclaimed.

Joker put a hand on her belly and grinned. "It's a feisty little tyke. Just like its Mommy."

"Oh, Mr. J," breathed Harley, adoringly. "I am gonna miss this when it's born. Ain't nothing like being with the man you love and feeling the baby that you created together moving around inside you. It's the most magical thing in the world."

"Hey, that's great, Harl," said Ivy, standing up. "But if we don't hurry up, we're gonna be late for Selina's party. And you know how insulted she gets if you're late. She's worse than Jervis – you remember when we were late for his stupid tea party once and he spent the rest of the week singing that stupid song from _Alice in Wonderland _at us?"

"Well, I think she can cut me some slack, being pregnant and all," retorted Harley.

"See? Excuse for everything," sighed Joker.

Harley hissed, rubbing her stomach again. "Anyway, I ain't sure I wanna go to a party. Ain't feeling particularly sociable or attractive, and I can't drink, which you kinda need to be able to do to put up with most of the guests. And I'm really sore today. Would it be ok if we just stayed here, Mr. J?"

"After Harvey and Pammie have come all the way here to pick us up?" demanded Joker. "How can you be so selfish, Harley?"

"No, really, J, it's ok," retorted Ivy. "You stay here and relax, baby. Let me know if I can pick up anything for you on the way home, ok?"

"Thanks, Red, you're the greatest," said Harley, smiling.

Joker growled, sitting down next to her. "I don't understand why you being pregnant has to ruin my fun, Harley," he snapped, folding his arms across his chest. "Why can't I go to the party?"

"Because I need you here to look after me, puddin'," retorted Harley. "I'm…"

"Pregnant, yeah, yeah, I know," he muttered.

Harley looked at him. "And I was thinking, Mr. J," she murmured. "They say having sex helps get a baby out. Y'know, give it a little lubrication…down there…"

"Thanks for the images, Harley," interrupted Ivy.

"I was thinking maybe we could try it," she whispered, kissing him.

Joker stared at her. "But you're pregnant, Harley," he retorted. "I can't hit you when you're pregnant, and how else do you expect me to get in the mood?"

"We'll leave you to figure it out," said Ivy, hastily. "C'mon, Harvey, let's go."

"Kinda makes you wish you could start a family of your own," commented Two-Face as they left them.

Ivy snorted. "Really? It has the exact opposite effect on me. It just confirms what I already knew – I don't ever wanna get pregnant. Have you seen all the crap Harley's had to deal with? I mean, I guess it might be nice to have kids, but I'm gonna have them some other way, maybe some kinda plant/human hybrid that doesn't involve me going through pain and agony for nine months. Y'know, grow them in a pod or something."

"You want mutant kids?" asked Two-Face. "Seriously? Can you imagine how much they'd be bullied at school?"

"Well, if J's kid does turn out looking like him, I imagine we'll find out," retorted Ivy. "Feel kinda bad for the poor thing already."

"If it's a girl, I feel bad for her first boyfriend," retorted Two-Face. "Can you imagine her taking him home to meet the parents? J would be terrifying."

"Assuming J cares," retorted Ivy. "I still don't believe he'll treat the kid any better than he treats its mother."

Two-Face shrugged. "He loves himself. The kid's got a bit of himself in it. I think he'll love it because of that. And, y'know, maybe J's a man of hidden depths. Maybe he'll be a good dad."

Ivy snorted. "Right. And Bruce Wayne is Batman."

"Funny, Pammie," retorted Two-Face.

About two hours into Selina's party, Ivy's phone suddenly rang. It was Harley.

"Hello?" said Ivy, answering it.

She was greeted by incomprehensible shrieking on the other line, so loud that all the other party guests heard it and stopped to stare at Ivy. "Harley…Harley…calm down, what is it?" shouted Ivy over the noise.

She suddenly heard Joker's voice. "Baby's coming. See you at Gotham General in five."

The phone clicked off. Ivy stared at it a moment, processing the information. Then she said, "Sorry, Selina, I gotta go. Harley wants me there…"

"No problem," retorted Selina. "Give her my best wishes. I hope everything goes smoothly. And let us know boy or girl."

Ivy had never driven so fast. Her speed matched her heart, which was racing. Truthfully, she was very excited for Harley. It wasn't a fate she wished for herself, but she knew it was everything her friend wanted, and she couldn't help feeling happy for her.

She arrived at the hospital to see Joker sitting in the waiting room. "Why aren't you in there with her?" demanded Ivy.

"Guys of my generation don't believe in being present for the actual birth, Pammie," retorted Joker. "It's pretty revolting, from what I hear. Besides, I was there for like five minutes before Harley started trying to hit me and shrieking at me never to touch her again. Nope, people of my age have the right idea. Let the Mom handle her own business, and let the Dad enjoy a fine cigar while he waits for the gal to do her job and shove his kid outta her."

"Very considerate of you, J," snapped Ivy. He ignored her, lighting his cigar and puffing on it in silence.

"Excuse me, sir, this is a hospital, you're not allowed to smo…" began a doctor, before he was close enough to realize who he was lecturing.

Joker inhaled deeply and puffed out. "What's that, sport?" he asked, grinning. "Don't think I heard what you said."

"N…nothing," stammered the doctor, rushing off.

Joker chuckled. "Want one, Pammie?" he said, holding a cigar out to her.

"No, thanks," she retorted.

"Sure? It'll help you relax."

"I'm perfectly calm, thank you."

"Suit yourself," he said, shrugging. They sat in silence, with Ivy tapping her foot anxiously. The truth was she wasn't perfectly relaxed – she was worried sick about Harley. She glanced at J, hoping to see any kind of emotion in his face. But there wasn't anything. He just puffed his cigar calmly. This moment clearly couldn't have meant less to him. But then what had Ivy actually expected?

They heard Harley screaming from the next room, and she suddenly screamed, "Mr. J! Mr. J, I need you! Please, puddin', oh God, Mr. J!"

Joker immediately rose and rushed into the room. Ivy stared after him, surprised. She hadn't expected that. She tentatively went to the door and peered inside, where a bunch of doctors were surrounding Harley, trying to keep their distance from Joker, who held her hand tightly. "It's ok, pooh," he whispered. "It's ok, breathe. Just get it outta there. C'mon, Harley, you can do this. You can take the pain, cupcake, nobody's better with pain than my little girl. That's it, baby. Get it outta there. Get our baby outta there. C'mon, you dumb blonde, push. Give me my kid, you useless waste of space, so I can go back to hitting you."

"Oh…Mr. J…" gasped Harley, clearly finding that sweet. Ivy shrugged again, shutting the door and leaving them to it. She paced nervously, listening to Harley screaming. She finally grabbed one of the cigars from the box Joker had left and was about to light it when she heard the sound of a baby crying.

Her heart leapt, and a second later Joker burst out of the room, beaming. "What is it?" demanded Ivy. "Boy or girl?"

Joker opened his mouth to respond, when the picture suddenly flickered and then died.

"What?!" shrieked Harley, returning to reality in the fortune teller's tent. "What the hell just happened?! I gotta know what my baby is, dammit!"

"Sorry, that was ten minutes," said the fortune teller, holding out her hand again. "If you want more…"

Harley didn't respond, except to shove another bill into her hand and replace her hands on the crystal. A second later, the image resumed, with Ivy repeating, "What is it? Boy or girl?"

Joker laughed hysterically. "Both, Pammie!" he shouted. "We got twins!"

Ivy gaped at him. "Twins?" she repeated. "Lemme see."

They both rushed into the room, where Harley looked absolutely exhausted, but actually glowed in happiness as she held her babies, one in each arm, a little boy and a little girl, pefectly normal-looking, and perfectly adorable. "Arleen and Joker Junior," she whispered, tears in her eyes. "Our little Arleen and J.J."

Ivy just stared at them. She wasn't a particularly maternal woman, but even she felt her heart melt as she gazed at the tiny, helpless bundles in Harley's arms. Joker went over to them, and gently took the babies from Harley. "Say hi to your Daddy," whispered Harley, smiling at him.

He gazed at them with an indefinable expression in his face, and then smiled. "Nice work, kiddo," he whispered, bending over to kiss Harley.

"You wanna hold them, Red?" asked Harley.

"No, that's fine, thanks," retorted Ivy. It wouldn't really work with her image, being all motherly, and she had to preserve her image in front of the doctors. "How are you doing, baby?" she whispered, going over to hug Harley.

"I'm just swell, Red," murmured Harley, tears in her eyes. "I ain't ever been so happy. I got my family with me – how could a gal be any happier?"

Joker delicately handed the babies back to Harley, and then laughed. "Cigars all round!" he shouted, grabbing the box from outside and passing them around for the doctors. "This calls for a celebration!"

At that moment, a figure appeared in the doorway. A figure dressed in a bat costume. Harley's face betrayed a look of fear, and the babies suddenly started crying, but Joker just grinned at him. "Trust you to crash the party, Batsy!" he chuckled. "Glad you're here though – you can meet my kids! Just look at 'em! Ain't they the most precious things you ever seen? Why don't you have a cigar and congratulate me?"

"You need to hand them over now," murmured Batman. "For their own sake. They'll have much better lives with a stable, sane family…"

"Ain't no such thing as a stable, sane family," interrupted Harley. "I ain't giving them up for anyone, you hear me?!"

"Harley, please, it's for their own good…"

"How can it ever be for a kid's own good to be away from its parents?!" demanded Harley. "Nobody will ever love them more than we do! You ain't taking them away! I won't let you!"

Batman started forward, but Joker stepped in front of her. "The lady said no, Bats," he murmured. "That means no."

Batman glared at him. "What kind of father do you think you'll make?" he hissed.

"Well, I dunno, I never tried it before," said Joker, shrugging. "At least, not that I can remember. But I guarantee I won't be taking my kids flying over the rooftops on dangerous missions against homicidal lunatics. So a damn sight better one than you," he said, grinning.

Batman raised his fist, but Joker held up a match. "Do it and I'll light the cigar," he muttered. "And trust me, Batsy, you don't want me lighting this cigar."

"You'd blow up your own family?" demanded Batman.

"Nope. Just these doctors!" laughed Joker. "It sets off small, controlled explosions in the other cigars. So back off, Bats."

Batman obeyed him, backing away. "Can you stand up, pumpkin pie?" asked Joker.

"I think so, Mr. J," stammered Harley. Ivy helped her to her feet.

"Great. We're getting outta here. It's been a blast, as always, Bats, but unless you want it to be a real blast, I wouldn't recommend coming after us," said Joker, grinning. "Let's go."

He headed for the door, with Ivy following him, helping Harley, who clutched her babies tightly to her. At that moment, one of the doctors accidentally dropped the cigar, which exploded at his feet. Batman used the temporary chaos to make his move, grabbing Harley. He was suddenly punched in the face by Ivy, who kicked him into the wall.

Harley had fallen to her knees, and Joker lifted her up, cradling her gently. "You go," hissed Ivy. "I'll handle Bats."

"You sure, Red?" breathed Harley.

Ivy nodded. "I know what it's like when sometimes tries to hurt your babies," she muttered. "And now mine are gonna give Bats a little payback."

Plant vines burst through the wall at that moment, surrounding Batman. "Run!" shouted Ivy. Joker nodded at her and obeyed, rushing down the corridor with Harley and his children in her arms. They made it outside, and Joker placed them gently in the backseat of a car, then hotwired it, jumping into the driver's seat and speeding off.

They reached their hideout, and Joker carried them gently inside. He lay Harley down on the sofa. She shushed the babies, who hadn't stopped crying since Batman had appeared. "Welcome to our life, babies," she whispered. "I'm sorry it ain't a better one for you. But your Daddy and me, we're gonna take good care of you. We're gonna protect you from the big, scary Bat, and anyone else who tries to hurt you. I promise."

The image grew hazy and then disappeared before the real Harley's eyes. She stared at the fortune teller again. "What, more money?"

"Yes. And I believe the spirits have also completed that particular chapter of your future. Any other visions must be from a different point in your future, further along, perhaps. They don't like to reveal too much at a time."

Harley sat back, sighing. "Y'know, I ain't normally one for this New Age crap, but this thing works great," she said, smiling at the crystal ball. "Where can I get me one of these?"

"It would take a special talent to be able to communicate through it, a talent which, I believe, is not one of your many," replied the fortune teller. "You don't have the aura of someone who is particularly attuned to the spirit world."

Harley shrugged. "Well, I saw one of those mediums on stage once. Seemed like a lotta crap to me – she kept making broad, sweeping statements that could apply to anyone. Like astrology, I don't buy that crap either. And I had another fortune teller read my future once, but she just showed me a Joker card. What's that supposed to mean, a Joker in my future…" she trailed off suddenly. "Oh." She recovered herself quickly. "Oh yeah, that does kinda make sense now. But this…this is completely different. This is the real deal. How much would it cost to see another vision? I'd really like to see what kinda parents Mr. J and I make. How our kids turn out and stuff."

"I cannot command the visions – the spirits will show you what they will, and I am powerless to control them. But we can see what else they have to show you, for a price."

"Yeah, yeah, money makes the world go round," retorted Harley, handing her a ten dollar bill. "This should buy me double time, right?"

"Like I said, we'll have to see what we shall see," replied the fortune teller. "If you would care to place your hands on the crystal again, we will see what else the future holds for you."

Harley obeyed, heart pounding in excitement. The image inside the crystal ball shook, became clearer, and another scene was revealed to her, another time, three years further along in the future than the last.


	3. Chapter 3

"I really appreciate you looking after the kids, Red," said Harley, smiling at Ivy. "Mr. J and me don't get much alone time these days, not that we mind, but it's nice to have an occasional evening off, y'know. Although if I'm honest, I don't like leaving them. I wouldn't trust anyone else but you to look after them."

"Thanks, Harley, that's nice to hear," replied Ivy. "And don't you worry about a thing. Just enjoy your night out – you certainly deserve one."

This was true – Harley was a completely dedicated and devoted mother. Ivy kinda missed the times they used to hang out with just the two of them, because now she never saw Harley without seeing her kids as well. She never let them out of her sight. It was understandable, considering that they were in danger of being taken away from her if she didn't protect them, but Ivy imagined it would be enough to drive anyone else nuts. But then she supposed Harley was already nuts, so not much futher damage could be done.

Harley checked her watch. "Puddin', we need to go or we'll be late for the reservation!" she called. "Puddin'?"

Ivy followed Harley down the hall to the living room, where Joker sat with a child on each knee, pointing to pictures in a book. "See that there? That's the carotid artery. You sever that and death's pretty instantaneous – two to three seconds maybe. Blood goes everywhere, a big pretty fountain of red, phwoosh!" he said, throwing up his hands. The kids giggled. "Can you say that, Leenie? Carotid artery."

"Carorid arbory," said Arleen. She had her mother's blonde hair, done up in little pigtails, and also her mother's big, blue eyes, which gazed at Joker with the same adoration her mother always did. She was a very pretty child, a very cute child, and a very innocent-looking child.

The same could not be said for her brother. Joker Junior had inherited most of his father's physical traits – he too had his mother's wide, blue eyes, but he was paler than his sister, and his hair had a definite greenish hue to it. It looked unnatural in a young child, and a tiny bit creepy. Not that it looked that way to Joker or Harley, obviously. Ivy could see in their eyes nothing but complete adoration for their children, and vice versa. That was the real surprise for Ivy – the Joker being a loving and dedicated father. He was at least as protective as Harley was, and spoiled the children just as much as she did. Ivy guessed he found some sort of joke to enjoy about them, because she couldn't actually believe he had genuine affection for them. She didn't believe he was capable of that.

Joker chuckled at Arleen's pronunciation and kissed her. "That's right, Princess," he murmured. "Now you two behave for your Aunt Ivy while Mommy and Daddy are out. We'll be back soon. J.J., you look after your sister. Why you gotta do that?"

"Because I'm precisely one minute and thirty-seven seconds older than her," replied J.J. He was an incredibly bright child, with a vocabulary of a much older individual, if not exactly the same skill in pronunciation. It was cute, really, hearing him trying to pronounce big words in a child voice and not quite getting them right. He just needed more practice, although could already read and write fairly capably. Joker insisted that he was a genius, just like his namesake – Ivy insisted that he was just an early starter, (boys sometimes were) and that Arleen would catch up. She wasn't exactly what you would call dumb either – both children had a natural intelligence and curiosity about the world around them that frequently got them into mischief. But they always behaved like perfect angels for their parents, and it was obvious they loved them.

"That's right, kiddo," he said, kissing him. "And when Daddy's not here, you're the man of the house. See you soon, my little genius. Bye bye, Princess," he said, lifting Arleen up and kissing her.

Tears came to her eyes. "I don't want you to leave, Daddy!" she sobbed.

"Hey, hey, hey, angelface, don't cry," murmured Joker. "My big girl's too old for tears. Crying's for babies, right, Princess?"

Arleen nodded, trying to wipe her eyes. "Now dry your eyes, sweetness, and be strong," he murmured. "Daddy's so proud of his big, strong girl. Just pretend Daddy's off to work like he usually is at night, and needs Mommy's help this time. But he'll be back soon, like he always is."

Arleen looked at her mother and held out her arms. "Mommy, stay!" she sobbed.

"Maybe we oughta stay, puddin', I don't wanna upset her," murmured Harley, embracing Arleen tightly.

"No, you two go," said Ivy, firmly. "You deserve a nice, carefree evening with no distractions."

"We're not distractions," growled J.J., folding his arms across his chest.

"No offense, J.J.," said Ivy. She forgot the kid could understand big words. "But don't you think your Mommy and Daddy deserve some time off?"

"No," retorted J.J., sticking his bottom lip out. "Why would they have had us if they didn't want us around?"

Joker chuckled. "Kid's got a point," he said, ruffling his hair.

"Well, with the way his brain is developing, maybe soon you can explain to him where babies come from, and how accidents happen," retorted Ivy.

"Where do babies come from, Daddy?" asked J.J.

"I'll tell you later, kiddo," he said, hastily. "Here now – this is Daddy's number. You call him if anything happens, ok?"

"You got both our numbers, right, Red?" pressed Harley. "Don't be afraid to call us if you need us. We'll come straight home."

"I won't, but don't worry. You two just go and have a good time," said Ivy.

"Bye bye, angels," said Harley, blowing kisses at them as she left. "Mommy and Daddy love you so much. And don't you worry, we'll be back very, very soon."

The door shut and Ivy turned to face the children. "All right, kids. It's just you and Aunt Ivy now."

The children both looked at her, and then smiled. Ivy realized with a sudden shock that they had both inherited their father's smile. "Yeah, Aunt Ivy, let's have some fun," murmured J.J.

"You like TV? Let's watch some TV," she said, flicking on the screen.

"We like the cartoon where the coyote tries to blow up the roadrunner," said J.J.

"And where the hunter tries to shoot the bunny. And the duck," said Arleen. "And the ones where the cat tries to eat the birdie."

"And gets a piano dropped on him," said J.J. They both laughed hysterically, with their father's laugh. It was incredibly creepy.

"Well, let's see if we can find you some cartoons," said Ivy, flipping the channels. "How about this one? It looks kinda sweet."

There were some colorful teddy bears on the screen, singing and dancing with a child and telling him that everything would work out fine through the magic of caring. The twins watched it for a moment, mystified, and then Arleen said, "Boring."

"And stupid," agreed J.J. "Where's the violence? Cartoons have gotta be violent, or what's the point? Either make with the dynamite or get off the screen."

"Yeah, what J.J. said," snapped Arleen, glaring at the TV.

"O…K…we'll find something else," said Ivy, slowly, flipping channels again. She paused at the news and the twins suddenly gasped. Arleen shrieked and rushed behind the couch, while J.J. just sat, frozen in horror.

"What?" asked Ivy, looking at them. She looked at the screen and saw that it was playing footage of Batman beating up some criminals. "It's just Batman."

"You mean…he's real?" stammered J.J., turning to her, horrified. "I thought Mommy and Daddy just made him up to scare us."

"He's gonna get me, J.J., don't let him get me!" shrieked Arleen, hiding her eyes.

"You mean your parents haven't told you…" began Ivy, but she suddenly realized her mistake. Of course Joker and Harley wouldn't have explained about Batman. How could you explain that to a child? How could you explain the fact that you were considered insane criminals, and weren't allowed to take care of your own children? It was kinda crazy when Ivy thought about it.

"Haven't told us what?" pressed J.J.

"Nothing," said Ivy, hastily. "But yeah, Batman's real. I wouldn't worry about encountering him, though. He's a pretty busy guy with a lot to keep him occupied."

"Have you met him, Aunt Ivy?" asked J.J., astounded.

"Is he scary?" whispered Arleen, peeking out through her hands.

"He's…well, he's a couple bats short of a cave," said Ivy, slowly. "Bit of an obsessive, tall, dark and brooding, that kinda thing."

"He doesn't look very happy," murmured Arleen, daring to peer out from behind the sofa at the TV. "Is he a bad man? Daddy says bad men are always unhappy."

"Well, he's…he's…yeah, I guess you might say…yeah, he is," said Ivy, at last. "He and your…Daddy sometimes don't…get along. They have fights…"

"Why would he wanna hurt Daddy?" breathed Arleen, tears in her eyes. "Daddy's always so nice and happy and laughing. Why would anyone wanna hurt Daddy?"

Ivy realized the minefield she had just wandered into, and decided to kill the conversation. "Look, just sit here and watch the cartoons while Aunt Ivy makes dinner," she said, standing up.

"Great job, Ivy," she muttered, storming into the kitchen. "Why don't you tell them there's no Santa Claus as well?"

"There's no Santa Claus?" said J.J., who she didn't realize had followed her. "Who brings us presents on Christmas, then?"

"Look, J.J., just get outta here," snapped Ivy, shoving him back into the living room and slamming the kitchen door. She saw a note attached the refrigerator: _Red - Got some veggies in here for the kids. Know you don't like cooking them, but they're already dead, so might as well use them. Hope it's not too painful, but growing kids need greens. Sorry! – Harley. P.S. There's ice cream for them in the freezer if they eat all their veggies. Chocolate's their favorite. Make sure they get two scoops each. Cones are in the cupboard with the sprinkles. _

Ivy growled, opening the refrigerator. "I don't see why I have to sacrifice my babies for your babies, Harley," she muttered. But they _were _already dead, and they shouldn't have died in vain, so Ivy sighed, heating the water.

The door was thrown open and Arleen rushed inside, screaming and firing a water gun behind her at J.J., who was chasing her. "Hey, hey, stop screaming!" shouted Ivy, taking the gun from her. "Can't you play quietly? Ow!" she cried, as whatever was in the water gun dripped onto her and stung her. "What's in this?"

"Dunno. We found it in Mommy and Daddy's room," said Arleen, shrugging.

"Along with this!" exclaimed J.J., holding up a stick of dynamite. "Now we can play just like they do in the cartoons!"

"Give me that!" snapped Ivy, grabbing it from him. "That's not a toy!"

"Mommy and Daddy have got all kinds of toys in their room," said Arleen. "I dunno why they tell us to stay outta there. They even got a whoopie cushion on the bed!"

"I wouldn't touch that if I were you," retorted Ivy.

"Why not?" asked Arleen.

"Look, a lot of their toys…aren't meant to be played with," said Ivy, slowly.

"But that's what toys are for," said Arleen.

"Yeah, but not these ones," snapped Ivy.

"But look, Aunt Ivy, it's a pop-gun!" exclaimed J.J., pulling the trigger on a gun. A _bang _flag popped out. J.J. laughed, but then accidentally pressed the trigger again, and the flag went flying across the room, imbedding itself in a cupboard. Arleen and J.J. stared at it, and then beamed at each other. "Cool! A killer toy!" cried J.J.

"I said sit down and watch cartoons!" shouted Ivy, grabbing the gun from him. "Or play with your own toys or something!"

She pulled them back into the living room and sat them down in front of the TV, then went to their room and grabbed a basket of Barbie dolls and a remote control car. "Play with those while I'm cooking!" she snapped, returning to the kitchen.

She brought the meals out later to see Arleen calmly ripping the heads off the dolls and hanging them from the sofa, while J.J. ran the car over the bodies.

"At least they're quiet," she muttered to herself. "Come to the table and eat, kids!"

After dinner, Ivy played a game of Operation with the twins, who were uncannily good at it for three-year-old children. She had also never seen such glee in any child's eyes as she did in theirs as they removed the organs from the body.

The doorbell rang at that moment. "I'll get it!" cried J.J., rushing to the door with Arleen rushing after him. He threw it open and beamed. "Uncle Two-Face!" he cried, leaping into his outstretched arms.

"How ya doing, kids?" said Two-Face, as he hugged both of them tightly. Two-Face was very fond of the children, not just for their own sake, but because they were twins.

"Harvey, what are you doing here?" asked Ivy, coming over to them.

"Actually wanted to talk to J about a business deal," said Two-Face. "Is he around?"

"No, he and Harley have gone out for dinner. I'm watching the kids until they get back," she said.

"Any idea when that will be?" asked Two-Face.

"Probably not until late. You're welcome to stay until then, of course," said Ivy, holding open the door.

"Thanks, Pam," he said, entering the room carrying a child in each arm. "Now kids, your Uncle Two-Face has brought you a present," he said, reaching into his coat. "You may be a little young for it yet, but it requires two players and it's a personal favorite of mine."

He handed J.J. a chess board. J.J. opened it, studied it for a moment, and then said, "I'm sure we can figure it out, Uncle Two-Face."

"But not tonight," said Ivy firmly. "It's past your bed-time. Say goodnight to your Uncle Two-Face."

"Aw, but Uncle Two-Face has just arrived, Aunt Ivy!" protested J.J.

"And I'm sure you'll see him soon," said Ivy. "No buts. Bed-time. Now."

Both children shuffled off to go get ready, and Ivy followed them.

"Can't we stay up until Mommy and Daddy get home?" whined Arleen as Ivy tucked them into their bunk beds. "I won't be able to sleep without them kissing us goodnight."

"Well, I'm sure they'd like you to be a good girl and try," said Ivy. "And I'm sure they'll be in to kiss you when they get home. There, all tucked in. Now, would you like a bedtime story?"

"No offense, Aunt Ivy, but I don't think you can tell bedtime stories the way Mommy can," replied J.J. "It just wouldn't be the same."

Ivy shrugged. "Fair enough." She turned on the nightlight shaped like a clown's face and then said, "Well, call if you need anything. I'll just be watching TV. Night night, kids."

She left, shutting the door behind her. The two children lay awake in the darkness for some time, watching the shadows cast by the nightlight.

"Leenie."

"What?"

"Did you hear that?"

"What?"

"That noise from outside."

"No."

"Oh." J.J. shrugged. "Must have imagined it. Night, Leenie."

He sat up suddenly. "There it is again!" he whispered.

"I heard it this time," whispered Arleen. "What do you think it is, J.J.?"

"I dunno," he whispered, staring at the window. In the dim light from the nightlight, he saw a strange shadow move along by the window. The shadow of a bat.

His heart was beating in terror, but he slowly reached under his pillow. His father had given him something which he told him very sternly was only for emergencies when he was out, as the man of the house, and he promised him he wouldn't use it unless he had to. He slowly pulled out the pistol, and then carefully climbed down the ladder, embracing his sister, who was shivering in fear.

"Get under the bed," he whispered. They both climbed underneath the bottom bunk, watching the window. They saw it slowly lift up as a figure climbed inside, a figure in a black cape. They saw the booted feet of the figure walk slowly about the room. Arleen had clapped her hand over her mouth, trying to breathe quietly, and J.J. tried to keep his hand from shaking as he held the gun, waiting for the caped figure to find them…

Two-Face was watching TV when Ivy returned to the living room. "Kids asleep?" he asked.

"I think so," she replied, sitting down next to him. "So what's this business you wanna discuss with J?"

"No offense, Pammie, but none of yours," he retorted.

"Fine, I don't care," she snapped, folding her arms across her chest and glaring at the TV.

There was silence between them. "Surprised Harley and J trusted you to babysit," commented Two-Face at last.

"And why's that?" she demanded.

"Well, you ain't exactly the motherly type," said Two-Face, shrugging. "I think you'd be the first to admit that. Didn't think you'd be good with children."

"Well, I am," snapped Ivy. "And I used to babysit when I was a teenager. Didn't really like children then either, but it was good money. And it was a good excuse to invite my boyfriend over and make out when the children were in bed."

"Why doesn't that surprise me?" muttered Two-Face.

"Hey, there is nothing like the thrill of making out when you know the parents could come home and catch you any minute," retorted Ivy.

"Never babysat myself so I wouldn't know," he said.

She looked surprised. "Really? You never made out with a babysitter while the parents were away?"

"No," snapped Two-Face.

She looked at him. "You wanna?" she whispered.

He didn't need any further persuasion, seizing her in his arms and kissing her passionately. Ivy pulled him down on the sofa, returning the kiss. Just as things began to heat up, the front door opened.

"Oh…J…Harley…hi!" stammered Ivy, shoving Two-Face off her. "You two are…um…back early."

"Yeah, it didn't really feel right leaving the kids for so long," said Harley, entering the room with the Joker following her. "I was worried about them all through dinner…"

She trailed off, noticing Two-Face. "Oh…hi, Harvey. What're you doing here?"

"Just wanted to discuss some business with J," retorted Two-Face.

"And get down to business with the babysitter, I see," chuckled Joker.

Harley glared at Ivy. "You didn't invite him over when you were meant to be watching the kids, did you?"

"No, Harley, they're sleeping soundly," retorted Ivy. "You don't have anything to worry about. I don't know what you think is going to happen to them."

"Well, a mother always worries, Red," replied Harley. "And you know the situation with the kids. If Bats ever finds them, he'll try to take them away. It's my worst nightmare. I can't help worrying about it."

"I told you, pooh, I ain't gonna let it happen," said Joker, firmly. "Don't you trust me?"

"Of course I do," she replied. "But there's gonna come a time when we can't always be there to protect them. When they ain't gonna want us to protect them anyway. I just don't know what I'd do if they got hurt."

"Well, I'm sure Bats has better things to do with his time than hunt down your kids," replied Ivy.

At that moment, they heard a shriek from the twin's room, and the sound of a gunshot. They all four raced down the hall and threw open the door to see Batman, bleeding from a bulletwound in his leg, trying to keep hold of Arleen, who was shrieking and struggling and hitting him mercilessly, while J.J. was punching him in his wound and screaming at him to put her down. Joker immediately joined in the fray, punching Batman in the face so that he dropped Arleen. J.J. grabbed her and pulled her away while Harley rushed over and held her tightly against her. J.J. started forward to help his father, but Harley grabbed him and held him back.

"Ain't very nice to kidnap, Bats," growled Joker. "Get it? Kid-nap?" He laughed, but there was a dangerous tone to it.

"Better than leaving them in the care of insane monsters," retorted Batman.

"You don't talk about my Daddy that way!" shouted J.J., struggling to get free.

"Do the decent thing and hand them over now," growled Batman.

Joker looked back at him, then pulled out his gun, pointing it at his face. "You get outta here now, or I'll shoot you," he whispered. "No gag, no elaborate setup, or trap, or joke. Just a dead Bat shot in the face. Harley suggested it a long time ago, but I thought it wouldn't be a very good gag. And it ain't, and I don't wanna do it. I want your death to be a masterpiece, the triumph of my sheer comic genius over your ridiculous mask and gadgets. But my kids are no joke, Bats. You leave them alone, or it won't be funny. Get me?"

Batman glared at him. Joker grinned. "Call my bluff, Bats," he murmured. "I dee double dare you."

Batman looked at him and then turned away without a word, limping to the window and flying off into the night. Joker slowly lowered the gun and then turned back to his family. He patted J.J. on the shoulder. "Good shot, J.J.," he whispered. "Nice work, kiddo."

J.J. suddenly broke down, the fear and anger overwhelming him. He sobbed and Joker embraced him tightly. "Hey, hey, hey, it's ok, kid," he whispered. "It's ok."

He looked up at Harley. "Told you, didn't I?" he murmured. "I ain't gonna let it happen, baby."

She nodded, coming over to hold them with Arleen in her arms, who was sobbing uncontrollably. Joker embraced them all. "I ain't gonna let nothing happen to my family," he whispered. His face had never looked more deadly serious.

Then the vision swam and grew hazy. Harley looked up at the fortune teller with tears in her eyes. "I knew it!" she sobbed. "I knew it! He's such a good Daddy! And he does love us…he…"

She broke off and started crying. The fortune teller handed her a tissue.

"Thanks," she whispered, blowing her nose. "Was that the end of the money or the chapter or both?"

"Both," replied the fortune teller. "If you would like another vision, it will start from a different point in the future, like the last..."

"And it'll cost," finished Harley for her, rummaging around in her purse. "I got another twenty bucks, but that's it. How much will that buy me?"

"We'll have to see," replied the fortune teller.

"I just wouldn't mind seeing how the kids grow up, when they're a little older, y'know, if they turn out looking like us or acting like us or…"

"We'll see what we shall see," interrupted the fortune teller. "You know the drill."

Harley wiped her eyes again, nodded, and put her hands on the crystal ball. This time the vision that was revealed to her was twelve years on from the last, and her children had entered the most difficult stage on the road to growing up: they had become teenagers.


	4. Chapter 4

"So do you agree to my terms or not?" said J.J. to the computer screen, blowing on his bubblegum. He was in the middle of a video conversation, while also tapping away at the keyboard writing some very complex code.

"I shall give you the answer in the form of a riddle…"

"Don't waste my time, Mr. Nygma," interrupted J.J., popping the bubble and glancing contemptuously into the camera before returning his attention to his work. "I'm a busy man. Yes or no will do."

"How can a fifteen-year-old boy possibly be busy?" demanded Nygma.

"Well, at the moment I'm hacking into the Batcomputer in an attempt to discover Batman's secret identity," replied J.J. "It's pretty heavily encrypted, but I think I've got through. I'm also working on the CIA database to see if they've got any info Dad can use to blackmail a few of his associates. Add that to the math homework I've got to do, and trying to find a girlfriend, that makes me a pretty busy man. I mean, I know you've never accomplished any of that in favor of making up obscure riddles, but that doesn't mean the rest of us can't have busy lives, does it, Mr. Nygma?"

"Well…"

"Hang on, I've got another call," said J.J., minimizing the window and opening another one. "Mr. Tetch. Hello."

"Sir, the snail will join in the dance."

"Excellent. Hold please." He reopened the window. "Mr. Nygma, another client has just accepted my terms, so I'm afraid we will not be doing business on this occasion. Please contact me in future if you have further need for my services, but the price will not be negotiated. That is all. Thank you."

"What…"

J.J. ended the call. "Thank you, Mr. Tetch, please send me the details and have the money in my bank account as soon as possible. I don't start work on a job until I'm paid. Pleasure doing business with you. Goodbye."

He hung up and returned his attention to the code, chewing on his gum.

"Have you found it yet?" demanded Arleen, striding into the room. Her brother turned to look at her. J.J. had obviously grown in twelve years – he had his father's thin yet strong build, and his skin was even paler, but that was more from avoiding the sun in favor of working on his computer than anything else. His hair was a darker green, not the bright green of his father's, and he kept it messy and untidy, but otherwise in appearance he had changed very little.

The same could not be said for his sister. Arleen's naturally blonde hair was dyed jet black with dark purple highlights. Her face was painted white, and she wore black eyeliner and lipstick. She was dressed in tight-fitting black clothing, associating herself with the Goth style, and of all the members of her family, she was the only one with a perpetual grim and unsmiling face.

"Patience, dear sister," replied J.J., turning back to the screen. "Rome wasn't built in a day."

"I'm not asking you to build Rome – I'm asking you to find out who Batman is," retorted Arleen.

"Some would attest that that's more difficult than building Rome," replied J.J. "After all, Mom and Dad have been fighting him for years and still have no clue who he really is. Probably for the best, though. It's probably going to be incredibly anti-climactic."

"I don't care. I just wanna know," said Arleen.

"May I ask why? Does it have anything to do with that picture of Batman covered in lipstick kisses underneath your pillow?"

Arleen glared at him. "How do you know about that?" she demanded.

He shrugged. "I thought you had stolen one of my gadgets so I went looking for where you might have hidden it. Turns out Mom thought it was a plate and ended up putting it in the dishwasher. Good thing I've got a steady income trickling in from the US treasury so I can afford a new one. They should really work on their online security."

Arleen shrugged. "Fine, I admit it. I have a crush on Batman, so I wanna know who he is. What's the matter with that?"

"Nothing. Just don't let Mom and Dad find out," retorted J.J. "And personally I don't see the attraction of some bully in a bat costume."

"Well, each to his own," said Arleen. "I don't see the attraction of Aunt Ivy."

J.J. pursed his lips. "Aunt Ivy is a handsome woman," he retorted. "And not our blood relation, so there is absolutely nothing wrong in finding her attractive."

"Except for the fact that she's more than twice our age," retorted Arleen.

"There's a sizeable age gap between Mom and Dad," said J.J. "I don't see the issue."

"It's kinda creepy," retorted Arleen.

"Well, you'd know a lot about that, wouldn't you, Elvira, Mistress of the Dark?" he snapped, turning around. "Why don't you leave me to my work and go moon over the flying rodent?"

"Kids, no fighting," said Joker, entering the room at that moment. "If you got aggression you wanna take out on someone, I'll find you some cops to mutilate. Dinner's ready."

"Tell Mom I'll be there in just a second," said J.J. "Oh, and Dad, here's the info you wanted," he said, reaching for a piece of paper by the printer. "If I were you, I'd tell Falcone if he doesn't want the world at large to know about his youthful indiscretions with his cousin's goats on their farm in Sicily, he should probably pay up."

Joker chuckled, taking the paper from him. "Nice work, kiddo!" he exclaimed, ruffling his hair fondly. He giggled, reading it. "I'll send him a message saying 'Heard that goats float your boat,' and see how he responds."

He laughed and J.J. joined in. Arleen did not, glaring at them with her arms folded across her chest. She was so sick of the laughter. Everything was funny to the rest of her family, but not to her. Why couldn't they take anything seriously?

"You ain't laughing, Princess," said Joker, beaming at her. "Why not? You got a real pretty laugh, sweetness."

"Dad, I've asked you not to call me Princess," growled Arleen. "It's babyish."

"Sorry, Leenie," he said.

"My name is Arleen," she snapped. "It's not a particularly attractive name, but unfortunately I'm stuck with it until I turn eighteen and can legally change it."

"To hell with that," retorted Joker. "Your Mom ain't ever legally changed her name. We ain't really ones for legal formalities, in case you hadn't noticed," he chuckled. "Anyway, names don't really matter, sweetness, you call yourself whatever you want," he said, patting her head.

"All right. From now on I'd like to be known as Leonora Ravensblood."

Joker stared at her. "I don't get it," he said.

"What?"

"The joke. In the name. I mean, you wanna change it to something funny, right? Like your Mom – Harley Quinn because of the clown character…"

"I don't want it to be funny," snapped Arleen. "Not everything in life is a joke, Dad! I just wish you could see that, and take things a little more seriously sometimes! My name is an expression of my inner darkness and pain and suffering."

"What pain and suffering?" asked Joker, eyes immediately narrowing. "You being bullied at school or something? You just say the word, Princess, and I'll take care of them for you."

"No, it's nothing like that," snapped Arleen. "Just my inner torment."

"Wish it was inner, so we wouldn't have to hear about it all the time," muttered J.J., turning back to his work.

"Look, sweetness, I know you like a lot of the dark stuff, and that's fine, whatever makes you happy," said Joker, smiling at her. "But I ain't ever been a serious kinda guy. Different strokes for different folks, right, Princess?"

"Dad, I said…"

"Yeah, yeah, sorry. Aurora, right?"

"Leonora!"

"Right. Just come to dinner," sighed Joker. They went down the stairs to the dining room without another word.

"J.J. said he'll be down in a second – just finishing up some stuff," said Joker as Harley emerged from the kitchen, carrying plates of food.

"I hope it's his homework and not more hacking," retorted Harley. "I mean, I guess it's healthy for a young man to have a job, and it's nice that he's so in demand, but it can't be good for his eyes to be on the computer so much, can it, puddin'?"

Joker shrugged. "I'm sure he's smart enough to know what he's doing. Anyway, I ain't complaining. He's got a respectable business at his age, he'll probably have his fortune made by the time he's thirty. Frankly, I admire him. Wish I had those kinda smarts at his age. Batman would be long dead by now if I did."

He chuckled, and Arleen bristled. She didn't like the way her father casually joked about Batman's death. She didn't like the way her father casually joked about anything, really. They had been really close throughout her childhood, but then Arleen had found herself drawn towards the dark and serious, and she didn't feel her father could understand that. So she shut him out of her life more and more. She didn't want to hurt him, but she didn't want to be a disappointment to him, and she constantly felt like she was. He had never given any indication of this, but she wasn't a genius like J.J., or a good fighter like Mom, and she just didn't share the family sense of humor. Of the entire family she felt like she was the only superfluous one, the only one who wasn't needed, who didn't belong, and who didn't fit in with the smiling, laughing, happy clown persona. She didn't want to end up disappointing him even more, so it was better he didn't know how far her attraction to darkness had gone. It was better he didn't know about Batman.

J.J. entered the room and sat down. "Got your homework done, J.J.?" asked Harley.

"Oh…yeah…sure Mom, it's on my list," replied J.J., slowly.

"I know it's boring, baby, but it's important for you to do well in school," said Harley.

"Why?" asked J.J. "Dad didn't finish school, and he's done fine."

"I said I don't remember finishing school, J.J.," corrected Joker. "That doesn't mean I didn't do it. I may or I may not have. And getting a good education really helped your Mom out in life."

"How?" asked J.J. "She gave up her career as a doctor to be your sidekick, a far more lucrative and enjoyable profession."

"Yeah, but if she hadn't trained as a doctor, she never would have met me," retorted Joker.

"And that was the best thing that ever happened to my life, aside from you kids," murmured Harley, gazing at him adoringly.

Joker pinched her cheek affectionately and continued, "And if she hadn't been my doctor, neither of you kids would be here. And she could only train as a doctor by staying in school. I admit it's pretty frustrating in your case, J.J., seeing as you're running your own business, but you never know what'll happen in the future, so you gotta seize the opportunities you got."

J.J. sighed. "I'll do it after dinner," he muttered. "I guess school's not all bad. I mean, there are some benefits. Like…" He paused, trying to think of something. "Like…um…" He turned to his sister. "Leenie, help me out here."

"There's Damian," murmured Arleen.

"Who's Damian?" asked Harley.

"Friend from school," said J.J. "More Leenie's friend than mine, really. Leenie and him are really good friends."

Arleen kicked him under the table, glaring at him.

"Oh? Special friend, is he, Leenie?" asked Harley. "Is it time we had the talk about girls and boys?"

"No, Mom, it's fine," snapped Arleen. "It's not like that anyway. We're just friends."

A phone rang at that moment. "J.J., I said no phones at the dinner table!" said Harley, sternly.

"Hey, the kid's trying to run a business, cut him some slack," retorted Joker. "Running a business means sometimes taking calls during dinner. You go do what you gotta do, J.J."

"Thanks, Dad," said J.J., smiling at him and standing up. "Sorry, Mom, I'll be back soon. Professor Crane, hello!" he said, answering the phone and running off.

"What about you, sweetness? How's school going for you?" asked Joker, turning to smile at Arleen.

"Fine," she retorted.

"You sure? Nothing wrong you wanna talk about?" he asked. "You just seem a little down, angelface."

"I'm just a depressing person, Dad," she snapped. "That's just who I am. Why can't you accept that?"

"Sorry, kiddo, didn't mean to offend you," he said. "You shouldn't take everything so personally, sweetheart. I don't wanna criticize you, baby, but it wouldn't kill you to lighten up a bit. You take everything so seriously, and there's no need. Life's one big joke, y'know."

Arleen suddenly grew angry. "Maybe to you it is!" she snapped. "But I don't find it very funny, all right, Dad?! I'm sick of everything being a game, or a gag, and I just wish you could take things seriously every once in a while, instead of everything being a goddamn joke!"

"Don't talk to your father that way!" shrieked Harley in the vision, at the same time Harley in reality shrieked, "Don't talk to your father that way!"

"Sorry, sorry, just got a little carried away," said the real Harley, as the vision stopped. The fortune teller was gazing at her in concern. "Y'know, like when you shout at the TV when you watch a football game…you get emotionally attached. I mean, they are my kids, after all. Keep going. I'll be good, I promise."

"If it's upsetting you too much…"

"No, no, it's fine," interrupted Harley, hastily. "I'll be quiet."

"I'm not sure I can resume it right where we left off…bit later in the evening, maybe," said the fortune teller, revealing Harley lying in bed with a book while Joker paced the room.

"I just don't know why she's acting the way she is," he said, turning to her. "It don't make any sense, not even to me."

Harley shrugged. "Teenagers. They're weird. It's all the hormones rushing around inside them – it blocks their brains and makes them act stupid."

"Yeah? So what's your excuse?" demanded Joker.

Harley giggled. "Aw, puddin', you're so funny! Anyway, it's natural for girls and their fathers to grow apart during their adolescent years. There's a lotta angst about boys and trying to shield them from the big, scary world…"

"Yeah, who is this Damian kid?" snapped Joker. "You ever heard about him before?"

"No, but if Leenie says they're just friends, I believe her," replied Harley. She smiled at him. "It's really cute how protective you are, though, puddin'," she whispered, putting down the book. "Nothing gets me revving faster than a good Daddy. You wanna be my good Daddy, puddin', and discipline your Harley hard?"

"Yeah, yeah, in a minute," he muttered. "I just wanna have a talk with Leenie first."

"I'll be waiting when you come back!" she called after him.

Joker knocked on Arleen's door. "Come in," she murmured.

He opened the door to see her sitting on the bed, playing with a knife. "Whatcha doing, Princess?" he asked.

"Practicing," she murmured. "And I've asked you not to call me that."

"Sorry, Leonora," he corrected. He saw that she was studying an anatomy book, making cuts through the page at certain images. "Y'know, if you wanna really practice, I can show you how to cut up a body tomorrow," he said. "It's a lot different in reality than theory. A lot more fun, too."

"Yeah…that'd be cool," she said. "I've done some practice on myself, but, y'know, I don't want it to scar so I can't do it very hard," she said, rolling up her sleeve.

Joker whistled. "Those are some nice cuts, baby."

"Yeah?" she said, giving him one of her rare smiles.

He smiled back. "Yeah. Clean, just breaking the skin, won't leave marks. You're good with a knife, kid."

"Thanks, Dad," she murmured. "I'm sorry…for yelling at you earlier. I just…" she trailed off.

"What, sweetness? You know you can always talk to me, don't you?" he said, gently. "You know you can always tell me anything."

"No, I can't," she whispered. "You wouldn't understand, Dad."

"You could always tell me and see," he replied. "I may not be a serious guy, but I'll always take what you say seriously, angelface."

She was silent. "I just don't feel…like I fit in," she murmured. "I mean, it's hard being the Joker's daughter. There are expectations, from the world, from you…and, I mean, J.J. lives up to them. He's smart and funny and he's doing really well in the criminal scene. He's doing what he's supposed to do, and nobody's disappointed in him. But me…I'm not like him. Or you, or Mom. I'm not…special."

"Of course you're special, Princess," he murmured. "You're my daughter. You're the most special gal in the world."

"I just…don't wanna disappoint you, Dad," she whispered. "And I know if you knew…if you knew the truth, you'd be disappointed in me. See, the truth is, I don't wanna make jokes or plan schemes. I don't even wanna fight Batman. I just wanna be…normal. And I know I never will be."

He shook his head. "No, you never will be," he agreed. "I ain't gonna lie to ya, kid. There are some things you're never gonna be able to change. You can't change the fact that you're my kid. You can't change the fact that people are gonna hate you and shun you for that. You only got two options. You can let them win, and you can live your life in hatred and self-loathing, feeling guilt for something that's not your fault and you didn't wish for, living in fear of people finding out who you really are and hiding away your personality. Or you can fight. You can be who you are, unashamed and unapologetic. You can be proud of your heritage and of whatever you're going to become. I know I'm gonna be proud of you, whatever that is. You couldn't disappoint me, sweetheart. The only way you could do that is by letting them win, letting the world beat you down, and letting them make you ashamed of me. And even then I'd understand if you did that. I'd understand and I'd try to be happy about it. But I wouldn't be. I'd be selfish and I'd miss you. Because I love you, kid. And me, I ain't like your mother. She's got the kinda love that's really selfless, self-sacrificing, doing anything for me and you kids. I ain't ever been capable of that. I ain't ever understood that – completely nuts if you ask me. I love you for a selfish reason. And the reason is I know you'll do me proud. I know you'll do the Joker name proud. Otherwise I'd love you selflessly, and that'd be crazy. And do I look crazy to you, sweetness?"

Arleen gazed at him with tears in her eyes. Then she hugged him tightly. "Nah uh, Daddy," she whispered. "You ain't ever looked crazy to me."

He smiled at her. "Things seem a bit less dark now, kiddo?"

"A bit," she agreed.

"You feel like smiling?" he asked.

She did. "That's my girl," he murmured, kissing her. "Night night, angelface."

He left her and re-entered his bedroom. "Now, I hear my Harley's overdo for a tune up," he murmured, shutting the door and grinning at her.

"That's right, puddin'," she breathed, pulling aside the covers. "I need a little oil in my gears. Maybe my big, strong mechanic could grease me up?"

Joker chuckled, climbing on top of her and kissing her. And then the clown horn went off.

"God dammit, it's that same phone!" shrieked the real Harley, breaking the illusion again. "And it's still ruining my fun!"

The fortune teller looked at her. "Sorry," Harley said. "It's just a little frustrating to know that we still get interrupted in the future."

"I can stop this if it's too upsetting…"

"No, no, I really wanna see more. If you can get it back, I'll be really, really quiet this time, I promise."

The fortune teller sighed, concentrating on the crystal ball. The vision resumed with Joker and Harley arming themselves and Arleen and J.J. watching them.

"But why can't we come fight Batman?" J.J. was asking. "We're old enough now that we can take care of ourselves, and we could be helpful. Leenie's good with a knife, and someone of my technical expertise…"

"I said no, J.J.!" snapped Harley. "What if something happened to you? What would I do? Don't you have any consideration for my feelings at all?"

"Of course I do, Mom, but we gotta grow up sometime, don't we?" asked J.J. "You can't shield us from the world forever. And I, for one, wanna join in the fight against the man who's been persecuting you since before we were born!"

"It's too dangerous, J.J.," retorted Harley. "And you're too young, and…tell them, puddin'!" she said, turning pleadingly to Joker.

"I dunno, pooh, maybe it's time we gave them a chance…" began Joker.

"No, it's not!" interrupted Harley, furiously. "It's too dangerous and they're too young! Tell them, puddin'!"

"Kids, it's too dangerous and you're too young. Listen to your mother," said Joker.

"But Mom…"

"No buts!" she shrieked. "Just go back to your rooms and go to bed! Goodnight! I love you!" She kissed both of them firmly and then stormed to the door. "C'mon, puddin'!"

"If there's an emergency, you can always get ahold of me through this," said Joker, holding up his phone and grinning. "See ya later, kiddies!"

The door shut. Arleen and J.J. stared after them, and then J.J. started laughing hysterically. "What's so funny?" demanded Arleen.

"Dad's cell phone," chuckled J.J., heading for his room. "It's got a tracking device in it. Get ahold of him, get it? He's letting us know how we can follow them."

"Won't Mom be angry?" asked Arleen.

"Probably," agreed J.J., grabbing his bag. "But are you really gonna pass up a chance to fight Batman? Seeing your hero in the flesh? C'mon, Leenie, it's gonna be loads of fun!"

Arleen gave another one of her rare smiles. "Yeah," she said, following her brother out the door. "Sounds like a blast."


	5. Chapter 5

"They are in so much trouble when I've discovered they've followed me!" shrieked the real Harley, glaring at the image in the crystal ball. "They're gonna be grounded for a year!"

"I'm sure your fictional self will be equally as strict," commented the fortune teller. "Do you wish me to continue, or will you find the whole situation too upsetting?"

"Well, I gotta know what happens now, don't I?" demanded Harley. "Or I'll be worried sick for my fictional children until I reach that point in reality, and then I'll still be worried sick because I won't know what happens!"

"Fair enough," replied the fortune teller, shrugging. "But I'll warn you now, the situation has the potential to be a very tense one for you. Are you sure you can endure it quietly?"

Harley grinned. "If you knew how many times Mr. J has said that to me!" she giggled. "But I never can," she added, her face falling. "But like I tell him, I'll try my best. If you wanna gag me or something like he does, though, it probably wouldn't be a bad idea."

"Um…ok," said the fortune teller, looking around. "If you want me to…will this work?" she asked, handing her a scarf.

"Yeah, that'll do great. Be sure to tie it really tight," said Harley. The fortune teller tied the scarf around her mouth.

"How's that?" she asked.

Harley gave her a thumbs up. "All right, let's see if I can resume approximately from where we left off…" she murmured, passing her hands over the crystal.

The image cleared to reveal Joker in a warehouse inspecting the unconscious bodies of his henchmen. "Bats has been here, all right," he muttered. "Which means the police will be here soon. We'd better check what they were guarding is still safe and get outta here."

"You don't think Bats has found it?" asked Harley.

"Not if he fell for the decoy bomb," said Joker, nodding at the disabled bomb in front of them. "And he obviously did. Old Bats is as dependable as clockwork, even if he ain't old Bats anymore. This new kid is just as thick. It's a shame, really, because I kinda miss the old guy. I'm still keeping up the fight – why can't he? But I suppose I always knew I was the better man in the end."

"You sure are, puddin'," breathed Harley. "Although J.J. shooting him in the leg may have forced him into early retirement."

"That's what he gets for messing with my kids," retorted Joker. He was silent for a second as he pressed a button, and a hatch opened in the warehouse floor, revealing a set of stairs. "You think old Bats has kids?" he asked, as Harley and he went down these. "You think maybe the Boy Blunder was his son who's just inherited his job now? That must be a lotta pressure to put on a kid. Enough to drive 'em crazy. Which I suppose you'd have to be to take over from Batman. I mean, fair enough, old Bats had a kinda delusion where he thought he could stop crime and do good, but to pass that madness onto your kid? Wouldn't you have to break his mind too? Isn't it majorly unethical to do that to a minor? At least you weren't underage when I broke your mind, Harley."

"He's always been a hypocrite in terms of morality, puddin'," retorted Harley, shrugging. "You know that. Uphold the law by breaking the law? Crazy."

"Yeah, but it's always annoyed me how everyone just buys it. And forcing the kid to buy it – it just feels wrong, Harl, even for Bats. Kinda feel sorry for having to beat the crap outta the kid just because his Dad's brainwashed him." He chuckled. "But then again, it is pretty fun. And, y'know, if he's still stupid enough to believe it, he deserves what he gets."

They had arrived in the basement of the warehouse, where a bomb was ticking away. Joker approached it and chuckled. "Yep, still ten minutes and forty-nine seconds to go before this little baby goes off and blows this warehouse, along with the surrounding ones stuffed with Carmine Falcone's illegal imported goods, sky-high! You'd think Bats would be thanking me – I'm doing his job for him, reducing crime in this city. Although I'm afraid my motivation is less noble than his."

"Less crazy, you mean," retorted Harley.

"Noble, honorable, crazy, there are a lotta words," said Joker, shrugging. "Me, I ain't an idealist. I'm a practical kinda guy, and when a guy tries to mess with my fun, it's only fair that I mess with his. That's what I call justice, not whatever crap the Bat believes in." He laughed again and then said, "C'mon, baby, let's beat it."

"You're not going anywhere, Joker," said a voice, and a second later, Carmine Falcone emerged from the shadows, flanked by eight henchmen, all pointing guns at them.

Joker grinned at him. "Carmine! The Bat didn't scare you off, huh? Well, I suppose I shouldn't have expected him to – I hear you're an animal lover."

He giggled uncontrollably. Falcone's eyes narrowed. "What's that supposed to mean?" he demanded.

"Oh, I think you know," laughed Joker. "But maybe rodents aren't really your thing. Just goats, is it?"

He laughed hysterically, and while the gangster's attention was focused on him, Harley's hand slid quietly down to her belt. She reached for her gun just as a henchman pointed his at hers. "Don't even think about it, bitch," he hissed, grabbing the gun from her. "Get over there!" he shouted, shoving her against the wall next to Joker. The henchmen all pointed their guns at them while Falcone stepped forward, smiling.

"So what now, Joker?" he murmured. "No laughter, no jokes, nothing to say when you're about to meet your death? I must admit, I'm disappointed. No final tricks up your sleeve?"

Joker grinned at him. "Yeah. Two of 'em, actually."

"The Ace of Knives and the King of Shocks!" shouted a voice, as four of the henchmen suddenly screamed and fell to the ground. Two had knives embedded in their skulls, and two had smoke rising from their bodies.

Arleen and J.J. stood behind them, with Arleen holding two more knives ready to throw, and J.J. holding two tasers he had modified to send ten times the electric shock of a normal taser. Before the other henchmen could react, the twins fired again, killing them. Arleen then kicked Falcone in the stomach, knocking him to the ground and holding a knife against his throat, while J.J. went to see to his parents.

"Not a great punchline, Dad, sorry, but it was all we could think of on the spur of the moment," said J.J., smiling at him. "I think we'll get better with practice."

Joker chuckled. "Nah, you did good, kid," he said, patting him on the back.

Harley was staring at him, open-mouthed. "You…you followed us? When I expressly told you to go to bed? Oh, you are in so much trouble, young man!" she shrieked, suddenly furious. "And you, young lady, just what on earth did you think you were doing?!"

"Saving your life," retorted Arleen. "You could thank us instead of yelling at us."

"Don't you dare take that tone of voice with me, young lady!" shrieked Harley. "You two are grounded for a year!"

"Pretty extreme punishment for saving our lives, pooh," said Joker, grinning at her. "Now c'mon, baby, calm down. They did a nice job. Feels pretty good to have your first kill, don't it, kids?"

"I'll say. This is a lot more exciting than hacking," said J.J., nodding.

"Yeah, so far I'm preferring the reality to the theory, Dad," said Arleen, smiling at him. "It's much more fun."

"Told you, sweetness," he said, grinning and patting her head. "Now, Carmine, I gotta admit, I'm impressed by how much your stuff means to you. Setting a trap for us to save it even when the Bat's been here. I'm so impressed, I wouldn't dream of parting you from it. So I'm gonna let you go up with it, because I'm a nice, generous guy that way. Harley, hand me that rope, would ya? We've only got about five minutes to spare, so we'd better hurry."

"Let him go, Joker," said a deep voice. Everyone turned to see Batman appearing from the darkness. Arleen was immediately fascinated by him, loosening her grip on the knife ever so slightly. That was her mistake.

Falcone leapt to his feet, knocking her away from him and pulling out his gun. He aimed it at Arleen and fired.

Time seemed to slow as Arleen saw the bullet come at her face. She heard what sounded like her parents screaming, but through an echoing tunnel, and all she could focus on was the small ball of metal growing bigger and bigger.

And then she was shoved out of the way by her brother, who took the bullet in the shoulder and fell to the ground with a cry. "J.J.!" shrieked Harley, rushing over to him.

"J.J.!" shrieked Harley in reality, ripping off her gag. "No, don't you dare stop!" she shouted at the fortune teller, who was about to hold up her hand. "Just keep rolling – I have to see what happens! He's gotta be ok!"

Joker had shot Falcone in the head, and then hurried over to his son. He was prevented from reaching him by Batman, who punched him in the face, knocking him to the ground. Batman towered over him and raised his fist to strike again.

Arleen, who had been dumbstruck first by the appearance of Batman, and then by her brother being wounded, now stared at Joker, horrified at the sight of the man she had feelings for hurting her father. Her feelings of attraction instantly turned to rage.

"Not my Daddy, you jerk!" she shrieked, ripping out her knife and slicing Batman across the shoulder. He roared in pain as Arleen stabbed him again. He knocked her backwards and Joker leapt to his feet, beating him to the ground. Then he rushed over to J.J.

"C'mon, we gotta get outta here before this whole place blows," he muttered, picking J.J. up. "You hang on, kid, it's gonna be ok. Harley, Leenie, c'mon."

They rushed up the stairs, out of the warehouse, and into the car. Harley took the driver's seat and Joker and Arleen held J.J. in the backseat. The warehouse exploded just as Harley stepped on the gas and they rushed off into the streets of Gotham.

"Harley, try to drive as steadily as you can," said Joker, taking one of Arleen's knives. "J.J., try to relax and breathe calmly. I ain't gonna lie – this is gonna hurt."

"Why'd you do it, J.J.?" whispered Arleen, tears in her eyes.

He managed a grin. "One minute and thirty-seven seconds older than you, remember?" he said. "I gotta look out for my little sister."

He cried in pain as Joker slid the point of the knife into the wound. "It's ok, kid," he whispered. "Just gotta get the damn thing…out!" he exclaimed triumphantly as he lifted out the bullet. He pulled out his handkerchief and held it against the wound. "You're gonna be ok," he breathed. "The worst is over. And you got your first scar," he added, smiling.

"Clearly my lucky day," said J.J., grinning despite the pain.

Arleen hugged him tightly as he laughed. "Gee, I hope Batman's ok," J.J. said, raising his head to look at the fiery rubble behind them.

"He'll be fine – he's harder to kill than a cockroach on steroids," muttered Joker.

"I'm sure you're relieved, Leenie," said J.J.

"Nah. I don't care what happens to that creep anymore," muttered Arleen. "There's nothing attractive about a guy who tries to hurt my Daddy."

Joker stared at her. "You had a thing for Bats?" he asked.

She shrugged. "He was my type – tall, dark, and brooding. But nobody hurts my Daddy and gets away with it. If I have to spend the rest of my life fighting him to make him pay, I will."

Joker beamed at her. "I'm so proud, sweetness," he whispered, kissing her. "I'm so proud of both of you. They did good, huh, Harl?"

Harley abruptly stopped the car. She climbed over to the backseat and embraced her entire family, sobbing. "I love you," she whispered, kissing them all repeatedly. "I love you all so much!"

"Mom, get off, it hurts!" hissed J.J.

"Sorry, baby," she whispered, kissing him. "I'm just so glad you're ok!"

Joker suddenly burst out laughing. "It's a good gag, ain't it?" he said, grinning. "The Joker family, armed and dangerous and ready for anything! Batsy had better watch out!"

He laughed, and they all joined in.


	6. Chapter 6

"There's a little time remaining," said the fortune teller. "Would you like to see more or shall we leave it there on a happy ending?"

"Are you kidding? I paid for twenty bucks worth and I'm gonna see twenty bucks worth!" snapped Harley. "You make with the vision!"

The fortune teller shrugged and placed her hands on the crystal. The vision shifted again to some time later, maybe a few days, because J.J. still had his shoulder bandaged, although he didn't seem to be in any pain and was smiling broadly as Harley recounted the story of what had happened to Poison Ivy.

"…and J.J. was so brave, he knocked his sister out of the way and took the bullet for her!" exclaimed Harley, through tears.

"He sure was," said Ivy, impressed. "Wow, J.J., you're quite the hero, aren't you?"

"It was nothing, Aunt Ivy, really," J.J. said, waving his hand. "It's what anyone else would have done in my place."

"You seem to be healing all right though," said Ivy, touching his shoulder. "Does that hurt?"

"No," he murmured, gazing at her. "Not at all."

Ivy shook her head. "I've seen bigger guys than you complaining lots more about gunshot wounds. Gotta say, J.J., I'm really impressed."

"Are you?" he whispered, hopefully.

"Mom! Dad won't let me go on my date in this!" exclaimed Arleen, storming into the room at that moment.

Harley looked at her outfit. "I'll go talk to him," she sighed, rising. She left Ivy and J.J. and went into the living room, where Joker was pacing.

"Puddin', it ain't that bad an outfit…" she began.

"Not that bad?!" he repeated. "No daughter of mine is going outside dressed like that!"

"But Mom wears skimpier stuff than this all the time!" exclaimed Arleen.

"Your mother is a grown woman and can wear what she wants!" retorted Joker. "You are a young lady, and you are not going to give guys the wrong impression! So go upstairs and change now!"

"I stabbed Batman! That makes me a grown woman, and I can wear what I want!" snapped Arleen.

"Don't talk back to me! Just go change!"

"Dad, you're joking…"

"Does it look like I'm joking?! I'm being perfectly serious for once in my life, so do what I tell you!"

Arleen sighed. "Fine," she snapped, storming off. "I'll find something else."

Harley beamed at him. "You're so cute when you're worried, puddin'."

"Worried? I ain't worried. What have I got to be worried about?" demanded Joker, pouring himself a drink and chugging it.

"J.J. says Damian is a perfectly nice kid. And I'm sure he really cares about Leenie or he wouldn't have asked her out. And he wouldn't be brave enough to come here and meet you if he didn't think she was worth it. So try to relax and cut her some slack, hmm?"

"Don't tell me what to do, Harley," he snapped. "Is the Weed still here? I'm gonna tell her to beat it."

He stormed into the other room and threw open the door to see J.J. kissing Ivy, who looked a mixture of stunned, confused, and pleased.

"Well, coo coo cachoo, Mrs. Robinson!" exclaimed Joker, recovering from the initial shock.

"Red, what the hell are you doing?!" demanded Harley, entering the room at that moment.

"Nothing, he did it, he started it, I…" began Ivy.

"He's a minor, Red!" snapped Harley. "An innocent boy! How could you try to seduce him?"

"Me?" repeated Ivy. "He was the one who…"

"My son is an innocent child!" shrieked Harley. "You're the one who's obsessed with men! But you won't ruin my boy! Get out, Red! Now!"

Harley and Ivy argued all the way outside, while Joker just looked at J.J. Then he held up his hand for a high five. "Nice work, kiddo," he murmured, grinning.

"Thanks, Dad," said J.J., returning the high five. "Just heading to my room before Mom gets back. Try to calm her down before dinner, will you?"

"I'll do my best," said Joker, nodding.

The doorbell rang at that moment. "I'll get it!" cried Arleen, rushing down the stairs.

"You changed?" snapped Joker.

She paused in the hall and showed him her new outfit, similar to the old but with a longer skirt and covered shoulders. "That's better," he muttered.

Arleen opened the door and beamed. "Hi, Damian, c'mon in," she said. "I'd like you to meet my parents. Damian, this is my Mom and Dad. Mom, Dad, this is Damian Wayne."

Joker paused mid-handshake. "Wayne?" he repeated. "You Bruce Wayne's kid?"

"Yeah, but I don't like to talk about it," replied Damian, shrugging. "If I tell people that, they just wanna be my friend for my Dad's money. Except I know Arleen doesn't – she's not like that. She's just great," he said, smiling at her.

Joker's face relaxed at the sincerity in Damian's eyes. "Yeah, she is," he said, patting his daughter's head fondly.

She kissed her father's cheek and said, "Just gonna get my bag, Dad."

The moment she left the room, Joker grabbed Damian by the collar and lifted him up to face him. "Ok, listen up, kid," he hissed. "You bring her home by eight o'clock, and not a moment later! And don't try anything funny or it won't be funny, get it?!"

"Yes…yes, sir, Mr. Joker, sir," stammered Damian.

"Good," growled Joker, dropping him to the ground.

"See you later, Mom and Dad!" said Arleen, re-entering the room and kissing them goodbye. "C'mon, Damian. What happened to your tie?"

The door shut. "What a nice young man," said Joker, beaming at Harley. "I hope things work out between them –the Waynes have got money. Wouldn't it be nice if we ended up as in-laws? We'd be set for our old age!"

Harley sniffed, and then began sobbing into his shoulder. "They grow up so fast, puddin'!" she cried.

"Yeah, they do, sweets," he murmured, hugging her. "But don't worry, they're gonna do all right. Thank God they turned out like me – they're too much like their Daddy to fail. Just imagine if they'd taken after you, you worthless waste of space."

Harley beamed at him and kissed him. "I love you, puddin'," she whispered.

J.J. suddenly burst into the room at that moment. "Where's Leenie?" he asked, looking around.

"She went out on her date with Damian. Why?" asked Joker, puzzled.

J.J. held up a piece of paper. "I just found out who Batman is. You're never gonna believe it."

"Who?" they both asked simultaneously.

And then the vision went dark. "You have got to be kidding me," muttered Harley. "Running outta money just there? Look, can't you keep playing it for like five more minutes? When Mr. J gets here, I'll get the money from him…"

"I'm sorry, Harley, I really can't do it unless I'm paid first," replied the fortune teller. "I'd like to make exceptions, but I can't. I'm sorry."

Harley let out a growl of annoyance. "But I wanna know who Batman is!" she whined.

"You and me both, kiddo," said Joker, entering the tent at that moment. "Aside from the most persistant and insane guy it's ever been my misfortune to cross paths with."

"Puddin'! You came back!" cried Harley, leaping to her feet and throwing herself into his arms. "I knew you would! I knew you loved me! Aw, you got blood all over your suit, baby!" she exclaimed.

"Yeah, I've been in a fight with the Bat – I ain't gonna look good, you dumb blonde!" he snapped, wiping his face. "But I managed to get away, and I even brought you some flowers to say sorry for leaving you," he said, holding up a crushed and battered bouquet.

Harley gazed at him. "Oh, puddin'!" she breathed. "Oh, puddin', I love you!" she cried, hugging him again.

"Yeah, in a lotta pain, Harl, can you not do that?" he hissed. "What've you been doing in here, you worthless broad?"

"This lady's been showing me my future," said Harley, beaming at the fortune teller. "_Our _future, I should say. With our kids and everything."

"Kids?" he repeated. "I don't really see myself as father material, Harley."

"Aw, but you are, puddin', you're a great Daddy!" exclaimed Harley. "You should try it – this thing really works," she said, gesturing to the crystal ball.

Joker looked from the ball to the fortune teller. "You can really see the future?" he asked her.

She nodded. Joker suddenly raised his gun and fired it into her face.

"Puddin', what did you do that for?!" cried Harley. "She coulda told us a lotta useful stuff!"

Joker chuckled. "Nah, she couldn't," he said. "If she really could see into the future, she would have seen that coming, and ducked. It's all a fraud, Harley, a scam. She probably drugged you or something – did she give you anything to eat or drink?"

"I drank a cup of something…"

"Drugs," he interrupted, nodding. "It was all a hallucination, Harley. You just saw what you wanted to see."

Harley folded her arms across his chest. "I ain't stupid, Mr. J," she snapped. "I saw what I saw, and it was real. It was the future."

"Well, I ain't really concerned about the future now, pooh bear," he said, kissing her. "Unless it's the immediate future that gets me home and doped up on painkillers while my little baby runs me a nice hot bath and sponges my wounds."

Harley giggled. "Sounds kinda hot, puddin'," she breathed.

He chuckled. "Well, it is date night. We'll have to see where things take us, won't we, pumpkin?"

He took her hand. "Come, my dear. Let's go home and forget all this crap about the future and kids and whatever else you saw. You just enjoy your time with your loving Mr. J."

"I will, puddin'," she murmured as he pulled her toward the exit. She looked back once at the crystal ball and then smiled. "But, y'know," she whispered to herself. "Accidents happen."

**The End**


End file.
